Cromagh Answers!

April 23, 2003

Dear Cromagh,

How do you type with those gauntlets of ogre power on?

No, seriously, here's my question: If you found a ring of three wishes, what would your second wish be?

No, really, seriously, this is my question: Have you ever been illustrated? If so, was it a cool spiky picture like by that Wayne Reynolds guy, or were you surrounded by lots of hot babes like in a Frazetta painting, or was it just a characater, I mean, caricatchatorre, uh, that kind of picture that makes your face look funny. You know the kind I mean.

Anyways, keep on slayin!

Andy from Kent

Dear Andy:

You seem to be confusing Cromagh with someone else. Gauntlets of ogre power? Cromagh doesn't wear gauntlets of ogre power. Cromagh wears Isotoners of 90 words per minute.

As for your second question, Cromagh actually had a ring of three wishes once, and Cromagh's second wish was not to feel so murderously angry when asked stupid hypothetical questions. Personally, Cromagh thinks that wish might not have come true ... if you catch Cromagh's drift.

As for your final question, Cromagh has, so far, never been illustrated. Oh, sure, people have tried. Many, many famous artists have tried to draw Cromagh. Cromagh has never seen an illustration of himself that he thought really looked like him. Apparently no one else has, either, or somebody would have tried to collect the reward by now.

But Cromagh likes your suggestion! The spiky stuff can go away, though. Cromagh never really understood why people like to put spiky stuff on their armor. Maybe they're both aggressive and all touchy-feely? Cromagh thinks that if you're going to be a touchy-feely adventurer, why not put it to good use? But Cromagh isn't touchy-feely, so no spikes on Cromagh.

Your other option, on the other hand, has possibilities. Cromagh would love to be painted while surrounded by hot babes. In fact, that would probably work out really well, considering the kinds of pictures Cromagh usually appears in. People could stand right next to Cromagh, looking at a poster with Cromagh's name on it, and not recognize him:

"I think it could be that guy next to you, Clem," one of them would say.

"Naw, Zeke," Clem would respond. "Can't be. The half-orc in this here pitcher is a-smilin'. A lot. Cain't remember ever seein' no half-orc who ever looked happier. This feller next ta me, on the other hand, he don't look happy. At all. In fact, despite the fact that we're standin' out in the village square on a warm, spring day, with a slight westerly wind wafting the fresh scent of daisies in the field up past our noses, and the manure field is a-downwind of us at this very moment, I'm kind of worried that this here half-orc might somehow come to the conclusion that I'm breathing up just a little too much of the oxygen he's mentally decided belongs to him."

"I see your point," Zeke would say. "Let us depart at high speed before he arrives at such an unfortunate if potentially true conclusion."

Yeah, Cromagh thinks that idea has possibilities all around.

Thanks.

Cromagh

Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.

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