Cromagh Answers!
May 7, 2003
Dear Cromagh,
Our party recently got into an internal um...
struggle. Our Elven archer seems to have killed our
Halfling rogue (we found her stuffed inside her own
magic haversack). He insists that he killed her
because she was an agent of the dark god we oppose,
but some of our number think that he is the one who is
being controlled by that evil manevolence (myself
included).
My question to you is: what should we do? How would
you go about obtaining the truth? Do Elven archers
taste good when fricasseed?
-Gib, (location undisclosed for fear His agents will get us)
Cromagh was nowhere near your halfling rogue! He was at home! Sick! Asleep!
He had an old friend come in from out of town! There was an earthquake!
Locusts! Comagh has an alibi!
Oh. Right.
Dear Gib:
Hm. How would Cromagh go about obtaining the truth from a murdering elven
archer? Good question. A couple of days ago, Cromagh would have answered
that repeated pummeling of the bloodthirsty assassin (the elf—not Cromagh;
Cromagh's not an assassin) would probably do the trick. Actually, come to
think of it, that would be Cromagh's answer now, too.
Never overlook the benefits of repeated pummeling. It's gotten Cromagh where
Cromagh is today. Well, not right now, obviously, because Cromagh is lying
on his back, drunk, incoherently bellowing this answer to his secretary. But
Cromagh couldn't afford that secretary, or all the booze it took to get
Cromagh drunk, if it weren't for his repeated pummelings of people with more
gold or less armor than Cromagh. Well one person, anyway.
Isn't that a beautiful story?
Where was Cromagh? Oh, right, you and your psychotic elf. Cromagh thinks you
should give the murderer a fair trial. The surviving members of the party
should take a vote on whether to fricassee or skin the evil elf. That should
determine whether or not your elf is guilty. That is, if you care. Cromagh
doesn't, personally, but Cromagh thinks it would be fun to watch an elf
being pummeled by a bunch of honked-off adventurers. Is the halfling still
in the haversack? If so, it could make a good weapon for beating up the elf
without leaving bruises. That would be Cromagh's first suggestion.
But, if your party is full of bleeding-heart types, Cromagh has a foolproof
backup plan—a tried and tested plan. Literally. First, tell everyone that
you think the elf is innocent. Then arrange to be stranded, along with the
evil elf and the other party members, in an isolated mansion somewhere with
a lot of snow, or maybe on a deserted island in a thunderstorm. Whatever it
takes to get the evil elf's evil juices flowing. Then, just survive all of
the elf's attempts on your life, while simultaneously doing nothing when the
elf is butchering the other adventurers. Then, when you and the elf are the
only two alive, you'll know that the murderer is the elf. Or you. Maybe
Cromagh.
So give it a try, and let Cromagh know if it turns out that he's the
murderer.
And, hey! Good luck with that whole "dark god" thing.
Cromagh
Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.
«Back to "Ask Cromagh"
| 
