Cromagh Answers!

May 23, 2003

Cromagh!

Greetings from a fellow half-orc.

Havoc is a Druid of the woods. No, he's not a little elf hugging hippie, he fights with rightous wrath against the defilers of the forest. And has big wolf friends. Huh. Anyhow, what creature do you think would be the best for a fierce half-orc to ride? Im thinking rhino, but would appreciate your thoughts.

May gold and women be yours

Havoc the Druid

Havoc:

Heh, heh... almost had Cromagh fooled, there, at first. Cromagh was just about convinced that you really were a half-orc who, for whatever reason, had decided to become a druid and defend the woods with his righteous wrath and his two big wolves.

Then Cromagh noticed that the subject of your e-mail was "Huzzah!"

Newsflash, Havoc! No real half-orc uses the word "huzzah" in any serious context, except maybe if he's got a mouth full of cheese curls and is trying desperately to indicate to a paramedic that some male person just sat on something sharp and barbed and whatever it is is now lodged in the male person's hindquarters, or "glutes."

What kind of self-respecting half-orc becomes a druid? Cromagh is thinking that someone ran over your pet bunny when you were just a little half-orc, and it's messed you up for life. VROOOM! "Look out, Mister Nibbles!" SKREEEE! FPPPPLLLLLTT! "Noooooooo! I will avenge you!" A self-respecting half-orc would just have worked over the bunny's assassin right there—not spent years communing with nature and learning how to make granola (a sure-fire way to protect the forest from "defilers" if Cromagh ever heard one).

So, what kind of animal should you ride into battle to defend the forest from the defilers? Cromagh is here to tell you: Cromagh is a fierce half-orc, and he rides a horse. Of course, Cromagh isn't a granola-eating druid, and in fact, Cromagh is pretty sure that he's defiled a forest or two in his time, but, hey, Cromagh does the same thing in alleys outside taverns in cities. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

It might help Cromagh to know exactly what constitutes a "defiler" in the forest. (You know, just to make sure Cromagh's not on the list.) Are defilers people who burn forests to the ground and put up condominiums—or are they just the people who walk on the grass and don't use trash receptacles? Do they sneak into the sacred groves and eat all the sacred granola? Are they those people who eat the frozen yogurt you were saving and drink milk right out of the bottle? Or—no, wait! Cromagh's got it! They're the ones who dig through the cakes that people bake for their friends in prison!

So, back to the issue at hand. Why a rhinoceros? Seriously, what's the attraction? Do you have any idea how difficult those things are to park? Or how much they eat? And what they do to what they don't eat? Yep, they trample all over it. So, Cromagh is looking at a picture of a rhinoceros, and the huge swath of destruction it leaves wherever it goes, and Cromagh is visualizing you—not that Cromagh knows what you look like, but he's envisioning someone remarkably like Yosemite Sam—sitting on top of that snorting, snuffling engine of destruction, hanging onto the reins for all you're worth while you bounce up and down like a hyperglycemic who just washed down a big bowl of Frosted Flakes with a Big Gulp full of Mountain Dew. "Where's them defilin' varmints? Huzzah!"

Stop Cromagh if this is getting too technical.

So, a clarification seems in order: Does the definition of "defiler" in some way not include people who take big, destructive, lumbering, plains-dwelling animals into the forest and ride around all over the place when a there are perfectly good horses with feet smaller than bucklers for sale in nearly any town?

Cromagh bets you carry around a really big sword, too.

Oh, and by the way: Thanks for the "gold and women being Cromagh's" thing, but Cromagh can assure you that it's not necessary. Gold and women are already Cromagh's. Know why? Because Cromagh doesn't feel the need to ride an animal with a big, bony spike sticking out of the front. Cromagh has no self-esteem issues, so Cromagh rides a horse, plain and simple, because—and Cromagh knows this is liable to come as a shock—that's what they're for! Did you ever wonder why the livery stables don't sell rhinoceros saddles? Right! Because nobody rides rhinos! Know why? Because they're not built to be ridden. Know why? Because some deity somewhere, in his, her, or its wisdom, said: "And lo, they shall be given horses to ride, because riding a rhinoceros would be the functional equivalent of driving an SUV with freakishly large tires."

Do you see where Cromagh is going with this? Probably not, because Cromagh has had way too much caffeine and sugar while he was answering your huzzah, and even he's not sure he's not hallucinating himself answering this letter.

Just forget it. Just let Cromagh lie here until there aren't so many different colors all over the place.

Cromagh.

Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.

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