Cromagh Answers!

June 24, 2003

Dear Cromagh,

We need your expertise, and your help! Our party is having dealings with a nasty group of dream-stealing fey who're plaguing our kingdom. The nasty little buggers keep messing with us every time we try to storm their lair.

The first time we tried a full-on assault. When we awoke from the sleep spells and the magical charms they had stripped us naked and tied us to trees with strips of birchwood. We tried to sneak into their lair. When they caught us, they made us dance to polka music for the rest of the night (we just had to have the world's clumsiest elf with us!). Then we tried negotiating...*shudder*. Never try to make a deal with someone who can use magic to make you think they're your best friend.

So I turn to you. What do you know about faeries, and have you had any dealings with them?

Sincerely,

Sir Eric of Coralton

Dear Sir Eric:

Ugh! Cromagh feels your pain. Faeries have the kind of "orthogonal to reality" perspective that gives Cromagh major gas. Some would say that Cromagh's gas alone would be enough to keep the faeries away, but apparently not. There's another reason Cromagh thinks clerics are just about useless. Every time Cromagh says "Is there anything you can do about this gas?" the stupid cleric says, "Well, it's not a disease, and it's not a wound, and though it blinds and deafens the rest of us, that's just treating the symptoms. Why not try going off your cabbage soup diet for a while?" See? Not what Cromagh would call helpful.

Cromagh notices that the one thing the cleric always leaves off the list, though, is poison. Sure, it's never quite killed anyone, not even a faerie, but Cromagh's gas does make people sick. Even Cromagh! But for different reasons. Everybody around Cromagh turns kind of grayish-green, but Cromagh just gets that "talky tummy" thing, where his guts kind of go "glurp, glorp" about every thirty seconds. And let Cromagh tell you, that is just not conducive to trying to sneak up on a sentry! Cromagh can make the noise go away for a little while (you know how Cromagh means) but then everybody complains, and we're just back to square one.

And raging! Forget about raging! One good, loud "Raaaaaa!" and it's like chucking a thunderstone. There was this one time, with this evil wizard who had summoned a fire elemental... Let's just say it's like shooting lightning at a shambling mound.

Some have suggested that Cromagh might be lactose-intolerant. Cromagh would buy that theory if he ever drank milk! But Cromagh's dietician won't let him. "On the cabbage soup diet, Cromagh, you can't have any dairy products." So Cromagh avoids dairies. He just eats cheese, instead. It's like a miracle food! Same kind of milky taste—but it's not milk! A wedge of cheese and some ale to wash it down, and Cromagh forgets all about the taste of the cabbage soup.

So, anyway. You and your faeries. Cromagh knows from personal experience that faeries hate having their forests burned down. (It was really the fire elemental that burned down the forest; Cromagh just sort of... "fanned" the flames.) So you arrange to send a bunch of the king's soldiers to set fire to the faeries' forest, then you go warn the faeries that the king's soldiers are burning down their forest. If the faeries want you to do something about it, you tell them you'll stop the king's men if the faeries will stop stealing everybody's dreams. But if they go rushing off to take care of the problem themselves, you loot their lair while they're gone, then high-tail it for another kingdom somewhere far away. It's a win-win solution—well, for you, anyway.

If worse comes to worse, just kidnap the king and hand him over to the faeries. Be serious, now. If the faeries are suddenly plaguing the kingdom, it's because of the new king. Or maybe the new chancellor, or the old king's new wife, or whatever. Just find out what changed in the kingdom and either kill it, kidnap it, or trash it, because chances are that's what's making the faeries so irritable.

See, faeries are like grumpy neighbors. You plant a tree, they complain about the shade. You trim a tree, they complain about the light. You build a wall, they complain. You slaughter a sacred druidic animal for your cook-out, they complain. You serve as foreman on a strip-mining operation on their property, they complain. Complain, complain, complain. Nothing makes them happy.

Come to think of it, just go ahead and have the king's soldiers set fire to the forest, and don't tell the faeries. The trees will grow back eventually. And until they do, hey, why not start some strip-mines here and there, just to see if the faeries were hiding anything really valuable?

Need a foreman?

Cromagh

Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.

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